No Mike – Day 4

From the tap, I fill the Brita pitcher with water.  After it runs through, I pour it into both the Keurig and Mike’s bowl.

After I get out of the shower, I walk back into the bedroom and talk to Mike while I get dressed.

I pick up my coffee cup because if I forget and leave it next to my chair in the living room, Mike will be slurping in it in less than 5 seconds.

When I walk back from the dumpster, Mike barks at me out the door and I threaten to beat him with a stick.

I put a baby gate in the opening at the top of the stairs every night so Mike won’t wander and maybe hurt himself having a seizure.

I leave the slider open so Mike can go in and out 45 times a day without driving me crazy.

I put the small wastebasket in the bathroom under the sink because Mike eats yucky Kleenex.

If Mike doesn’t race me on the stairs, I look up to see if he is already there looking down and waiting for me.

I hear the mailman and immediately give Mike the stink-eye so he won’t bark his fool poodle head off.

I leave the bathroom door open when I pee because Mike will be unhappy if I close him out.

I give Mike phenobarbital every morning and every night.  I’ve been doing that for nearly nine years.

I take Mike with me when I do errands – he has a red and white blanket in the back seat of my car.

Every night when I go to bed, Mike settles in with his head resting on my legs while I read my book.  When I turn out the light, he jumps off and goes to his bed in the corner.

I talk to Mike at least 25 times a day.

Sometimes I sing the song “Wild Thing You Make My Heart Sing” and Mike jumps up and put his front paws on my shoulders and we “dance”.

Mike and I nap together on the couch – our heads on opposite sides.  We share a blankey.

Mike under blankey

I am lonely and sickened.  It is hard to move forward.  I feel like that TV commercial where the guy dives into the swimming pool full of caramel and can hardly move.  I wake up in the morning and lie there for an hour or two and think about Mike.  I’m irritable and distracted.  I think I need to have my head examined.  I feel like I should try to function better, but I really don’t care.  When I look at myself in the mirror, I don’t look so good.  I feel guilty if I don’t remember Mike is gone for even one minute.  I wonder if I’ll ever be the same again.  I know I’ll be the same again.  I just don’t know when.

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14 thoughts on “No Mike – Day 4

  1. Of course. That’s the way we are suppose to miss our loved ones. Every minute of your waking self. Every single minute.

    And then it gets better.

    I’m so sorry.

  2. I know how you’re feeling. I can’t even remember how many years our Sandy (he was 16, Golden Ret.)has a been gone but I think about him a lot and have lots of pictures of him around the house. Gets easier with time but hurt never goes away.

  3. susan – i was once told that if we did not feel this way when we lose a pet we have no business having that pet – i know how much it hurts – there is a major hole in your heart – but it will get better – and mikey is up in heaven watching over you “from the top of the stairs”

  4. Maria’s right, Susan. Hear her. You often said you didn’t know how you’d cope without Mike, and now you’re up against it.
    And your great capacity to love is why so many people call you “friend”…at least that is true for me.

  5. All week I have been talking to Molly as if she were PD. He’s been gone 18 months. The pain is basically gone now and what is left is the memory of a dog so wonderful that I feel blessed for having had him in my life for almost 17 years. You, too, will someday only feel the joy he left behind.

  6. I think you should go volunteer at a dog rescue place, the Humane Society or ARF in Terryville. It will make you feel better. Missing him is the worst but it gets better. I know, I have been there.

  7. as you’re title stated, day 4. It’s only day 4. It is normal to feel this way. Write again on week 4. Believe it or not, the pain will have let go a bit. Hang in there, sweetie. I know how it hurts, but you must get on with living.

  8. Missing the noise of his toenails on the floor. Thinking you can hear him barking somehow. Looking to see what he’s doing because he’s so quiet. Keep these memories in your heart dear friend. Know that he was the best loved poodle. He knows.

  9. That was beautiful. He was so loved. And still is. I thought about not commenting, because no words can heal your pain, but I wanted you to know that your words were savored and that I’m sending a hug.

  10. Susan Like Jeanne said there are no words that can take away that pain. Just keep talking about him and remember he had the best life a dog could ever have with YOU! he was such a good boy and that was because of you! You were great for him and he was great for you, just know that all of us pet families know what you are feeling, they bring us soo much happiness and that happiness they give us and we give them is so worth it! Just remember that he is always in your heart and memories and no one can ever take that away from you! keep remembering all the good times and even some of the not so good times and he will forever be alive to you in your heart…. It is very hard and the pain will subside (it will never fully go away) but it will get easier to deal with, believe it or not … it will… right now it seems like it won’t but it will… I had my first one for 17 years and she was with me everywhere I went. I was totally devasted and did not think I could face the world without her but I did… for her… you may want to think about getting another dog (not to replace him) but to help you ease the emptiness you are feeling. I got my next one right away and she did not replace my first but she did fill some of the void. now I am close to losing her also and I have already brought home the newest one. I cannot imagine my life without a dog in it… stay strong, know you can always talk about it whether in person or blogging that is a great thing! just get out of the house and do stuff… come visit me and we can go to lunch like we are supposed to!

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