50 Shades of Grey

So I read 50 Shades of Grey by E. L. James.  I had to because I had heard so many conflicting opinions and wanted to make up my own dang mind.

And I’m attaching a Wikipedia link that says among other things ‘In April 2012 E.L. James was listed as one of Time Magazine’s “100 Most Influential People in the World”’.  Amazing.  I originally titled this essay “50 Shades of Dopey” and also made fun of this book in a Facebook post but I would like to take that back.  I was wrong to do that and it was very disrespectful of me.  The woman wrote these books and got them published and sold the movie rights to Universal – no small feats.  And now she’s rich.  And apparently influentiaI.  I didn‘t think about it at first, but the green-eyed monster may have reared her ugly head.  I do have respect for anyone who can get themselves published.  It is not easy.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fifty_Shades_of_Grey

Having said that, the writing is awful.  Please spank me Mr. Grey.  Don’t bite your lip Anastasia.  Look at me Anastasia.

I did find a lot of this book amusing.  Anastasia meets this guy, he is a Dominant and he wants her right away.  And she is nauseatingly attracted to him too; I think you know what I mean here.  First he gets her to sign an NDA and then he takes her to his Red Room to discuss what he’d like to do to her.  I had to look up carabiner.  I didn’t know the word but I knew what it was when I saw a picture on Google.  You will notice this one should not be used for climbing.

Anyhow, what she doesn’t tell him at first is that she’s virgin.  She’s 21 and about to graduate from college but she’s a virgin?  I thought the majority of us continued our post high school education to get high and get laid out of the watchful eyes of our parents, and sometimes even on their dime, but that might just be another of my twisted world views.

So this guy Christian Grey is, of course, drop dead gorgeous and super rich and the head of his empire and he’s 26 years old.  And his “tousled copper hair” drives her wild.

So he feels kind of bad because he’s shown a virgin his Red Room and he only “Fucks.  Hard.”  But he’s so taken with her that he makes an exception and he “makes love” to her to warm her up.  So here what cracked me up the most.  She immediately has a vaginal orgasm.  First time out of the box.  So to speak.  I find this “event”, the word I often use to describe orgasm, the most unbelievable part of the whole book.  Use event like this – The beef carpaccio was so good I almost had a god damn event!

He presents her with a contract with “hard” and “soft” limits.  He has some limits too.  For example, no setting her on fire, no giving her gynecological exams, no use of animals.  Isn’t he considerate.  Up for discussion – soft limits – I‘ll just pick out a few here: fisting, manacles, those pesky carabiners, spreader bars, biting, whipping.

So of course she agrees to a great deal of what he wants to do.  Nothing involving carabiners though, thank goodness, but there is some pulley set-up where she rolls to the side until she ends up against a cross where gives her the chubby.  Hey!  A religious experience.  Stations of the Sex Cross!  I realize I’m obsessing about the carabiners but I didn’t know what they were and apparently they would be a “hard” limit for me.  Even though I have been known to make cracks about the trapeze in my bedroom.  But I digress.  This is about a book, not me.  Hah!

So the book.  In my humble opinion it is weird, interesting, not very well written, silly, thought-provoking.  I did not find it demeaning as some people have said.  More than anything, I found it silly and silly trumps demeaning.  More of my opinion, it’s a bodice-ripping, heaving-breasts, harlequin romance with some tie-me-up, tie-me-down and more spanking/corporal punishment than I would ever consider tolerating.  Actually spanking/corporal punishment is not on the menu here at all.

I did “date” a man for a long time though who kept a few ties on the floor by his bed.  And I will say this, you go home and are back in a couple of days, walk into the bedroom and see one of those ties lazily looped around the post on the headboard.  It was twinge-causing.  Just sayin’.  Oh yeah, I forgot – not about me.  Who are we kidding, these blogs are ALL ABOUT ME.

So.  Read it if you’re curious.  Don’t if you’re not.  I have read that some libraries are trying to ban it.  Now now people.  If you don’t want to read the book, leave it in the library.  The waiting lists at the libraries around here are so long that I paid $9.89 at Costco for the first one.  Oh yes, did I forget to mention, these books are a trilogy?  Fifty Shades of Grey, Fifty Shades Darker, Fifty Shades Freed.  Will I read the other two?  Not sure.  I might.  I know a friend of mine has all three.  I could borrow.  And Darker and Freed are more available in the library.   Some people might find parts of these books stimulating.  Not all of it was too kinky to tolerate or relate to.  I just didn’t like the hitting/spanking/whipping parts.  But I know some people get off on that.  If you are one of them, then this book is probably going to be a favorite.

I just had a great idea.  I used to read out loud to one of my exes while he drove us to Maine.  This book would be great for that!  I’ll bet this would stimulate some really cheesy motel sex.  Oh yeah baby!

Meanwhile, I’m going to stick with the menu I’ve always had around here.  It’s not too bad.  Once in a while, we have a soup du jour.  Happy reading Friends!