My feelings for you were like a molten slow-moving river, warm honey, thick and sticky. Flowing into all the cracks and crevices – binding us together. Right from the start. Probably because I had known you forever, just waiting for a small lightning strike to warm us up enough to move forward.
I think, in our present time in this universe, sex often comes too fast and clouds genuine true feelings. Sex, lust, love get mixed up in a big stew pot and overwhelm each other until people can’t tell how they really feel. I have been guilty of this. But that didn’t happen with us. We had love first. The rest just followed naturally. With you, I knew. We had been in each other’s hearts for a long, long time. All we needed was that one little spark to push us in that direction. And we went.
I believed in you. Always. Right up until the dirty, ugly end. I thought you would be honest with yourself, just snap out of it. Embrace us. Our present. Our future. Our old age. I believed you would look in the mirror one morning and say why am I doing this. Why am I so angry at this woman who accepts me, admires me, loves me and my family, supports me always? But that is not how it played out, is it?
The problem with the horrible break-ups is that they shake me to my core. They make me question myself, my judgment. How can I put my trust in men who can come after me like this. Two marriages, a big handful of long-term relationships. Only a couple of them have ended really badly but they are enough to make me question myself.
I am loyal. From the top of my head right down to the tips of my toes. When I love you, I love you. There are no excuses, exceptions. I am in my relationships, in my life, for the long haul. I will love you pure and deep and always. This loyalty causes problems for me. I never give up. I believe in the goodness of people.
But I am smart and not too old to learn. Unfortunately, part of this learning hardens a little corner of my heart. I do not like that at all and work very hard to warm her up and put her back to her original softened state. I don’t want to have a steely cool heart. I think the depth and breadth and pure amount of love and passion I experience in my life is directly correlated to the happiness I feel. So I work hard to find balance. To protect myself and to feel it all.
You will never read this. But I have written it. One of my blogs that flows effortlessly from my fingertips. Like the most true ones.
The good you was the best man I have ever known, probably better suited for me than any other. That made it very hard to let you leave and to make you go. The bad you was one of the worst men I have ever known. I’m glad you’re gone.
I don’t miss you at all.
I will miss you always.