Blue

I‘ve got the blues.  I’m fighting it like crazy but I do.  It’s winter.  This happens to me every year.  And every year I know winter is coming and I swear to not let it happen again and it does no matter what I do or how hard I try.  And the older I get, the worse it gets.  I just hate winter and cold weather and how it’s dark when I drive to work and it’s dark again when I get out and drive home.  I don’t care if I do anything or go anywhere.  And my feet are freezing.  All the time.

Depression.  That’s it.  Plain and simple.  I use my energy to go to work and not be down and poopy when I’m there.  I don’t want to go out on the weekend.  I never even took a shower last Sunday.  I did brush my teeth and put on sweats.  I think that was it.  I did laundry because I needed the clothes to go to work.  And the only reason I left the house on Saturday was because the dog had a vet appointment.

I haven’t even been blogging as you may, or may not, have noticed.  I don’t feel like talking about anything.  I don’t feel like I have any opinions.  Quick.  Get the thermometer.  This could be serious.  I talked at length to my friend Susan about this in the fall, how I wouldn’t let it happen again this year but it just isn’t working.

I don’t care if I blog.  I don’t care if I stick to my diet.  I don’t care if I watch TV.  I don’t care if I go anywhere.  I don’t care if I get a manicure and a pedicure.  I do want to play scrabble on line.  That’s about it.  And read in bed.  And sleep.

It’s snowing now.  I will have to go out and clean off my car and move it for the plow.  I hate doing that.  It’s too cold and wet to be outside.  If I wasn’t having dinner with my friends tonight, I would not shower or get dressed today.  And don’t get me wrong, I’ll make myself shower and put on make-up and my favorite jeans.  And I’ll go out and have a good time.  But the effort to make myself do that will be huge.  And I’ll be complaining to myself all the time I’m in my car freezing waiting for it to warm up.  And I’ll have to stop and fill my tank and I keep waiting for it to be warm to stand there and pump but that isn’t happening until May.  And when I get home tonight, I’ll try to convince myself that I will go somewhere and do something tomorrow.  I’m not really hopeful this will happen.

Intellectually, I know my life is pretty good.  Not too bad at all.  But it doesn’t seem to matter.  I’m depressed.  Just reread.  This is a big downer but I feel a need to explain why I’m not writing.  If not to you, to myself.

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12 thoughts on “Blue

  1. I thought it was just me feeling that way….I hate winter and all that it brings with it also mon ami…Ou est la sortie?…or…Ou est la porte d’embarquement? from WINTER!!!! (at least I have been doing my french lessons…oui?!)

    suse

    • Yup. I’d laugh if it was funny. Maybe I will anyway. One of the best ways to fight it is to make believe you’re really OK. If you can. Hence I have taken a shower and am getting ready to go out tonight.

  2. I don’t know what to say. I never get dressed any more nor do I go out unless absolutly necssary. Not depressed though, the weather is beautiful, just lazy.

    • Well it’s not me. I’ll usually go anywhere any time. I like doing stuff. I usually like it when stuff is happening. Two people have said Vitamin D to me. I’m going to buy some when I go out tonight.

  3. How about using a light box in part of the problem is Seasonal Affective Disorder? If you car is parked close enough (I don’t know what the range is), you could have a remote starter installed and let your car warm up before you left the house. Retalin would help for a while, and help with dieting, too. By springtime the efficacy would probably have faded but by then you wouldn’t need it. On the otherbhand, by then you might be addicted (but if so, the plus side is it’s available as a generic). This is such a classically male response. Instead of expressing the slightest bit of sympathy, I offer solutions without being asked. I remember that you are familiar with Deborah Tanner’s work (“You Just Don’t Understand”) perhaps in the plagiarized version of Men are From Mars. Okay, I’ll try to me more understanding. But I’ll need outside help. Read the Emily Dickerson poem that starts “There’s a certain slant of light on winter afternoons.” I know what she means and I kind of know what you mean even though I love Montana winters, though maybe it’s because the sky is crystal clear blue most winter days, azur even.

    • I picked up on that advice thing right away. Actually had me smiling before I got to your admission. What is Retalin? I will “google” it. Am thinking about a light box. Two people said Vitamin D to me. I need to do something. Otherwise I will waste my life for months. I am always surprised when someone says they love winter. I think they may need their heads examined. Of course, you should probably have your head examined anyway. OXO.

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