Therapy I

30 years old, I stagger into therapy.  I am preparing to undergo surgery in another month and I’m sure I will not wake up from the anesthesia.  Truly positive.  I know very few people die during a short routine surgery but I will be one of them.  I wake up every morning and move across the sheets to be next to my husband, breathing in the scent of him.  I am at T minus 30 days and counting.  After that, I will not smell him again.  I will not smell anything again.

I have been trying to get pregnant for over three years.  I was brought up believing two things absolutely.  The first – I can do anything if I want to badly enough.  The second – my mother’s voice repeats over and over in my head, “You know better than to feel that way”.

So here I am.  I have a laparoscopy scheduled to take a look-see at my girl parts.  I want to be pregnant more than anything on earth.  And I am wound so tight that I feel like I’m going to launch into space like a rocket and explode into millions of pieces and am totally unable to express this because I have no idea how to.  All I know is that I know better than to feel so desperate and unhappy.

And so it begins…


5 thoughts on “Therapy I

  1. With the Vietnam war, ‘don’t trust anyone over 30′, the ’27 club’, and pregnant women over 30 being called ‘elderly mothers’, I think a lot of our generation thought we would die young. I know I did, and when I discussed this with my husband a few years ago, he said he did, too. Thirty seemed so old and decrepit back then. Makes me a little sad that some of us had that deep anxiety, and couldn’t enjoy our relative youth.

    I am enjoying your writing, Susan. It feels very honest and present in the best of ways. Plus, your phrasing often gets me off guard–again, I mean this in a positive way. I just wish interesting memoirs like yours didn’t require hard times to write them. Rainbows, unicorns, and Valentine hearts make for boring reading after a while. But, still, I am sorry that you went through so much to have children–such a basic desire.

    • Thank you Linda for the positive feedback. I have worked hard on my “blob” posts and I’m proud of them. I never did have children but I’ve decided to write little vignettes about my years in therapy. I think I can only handle it a little at a time. I need to write something funny soon though to break it up. Thank you again.

      • I’m sorry you didn’t have children. You sound like you would have been a great mom. I look forward to your funny slants on life, and the therapy-centered stuff will interest me, too. Back in my 20’s, I did a couple of semesters in a PsyD program to become a clinical psychologist. I ended up being very disillusioned with the whole profession, though I know it does a lot of good sometimes.

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