On being single

I got married for the first time when I was 24.  I did this because my friends were doing it and I felt like I needed to get it out of the way.  Also, his parents said if we lived together, they would disown him.  And it was 1980 and more than anything in the world, I wanted children.  He treated me terribly but I married him anyway.

So after about 8 or 9 months of marriage, he stood up in our dining room where six people were sitting around the table eating and getting pleasantly smashed, and hit me over the head with a beer bottle.  And you know what?  I didn’t leave him.  I didn’t leave him the next week either when he got up first thing in the morning and shoved me into the bedroom wall and onto the floor.  Instead I pulled myself up and heaved his sorry butt into the closet.  I’m ashamed to say it took 7 or 8 times before I left him.  I was embarrassed.  I thought his treatment of me proved that I was unlovable and I didn’t want anyone to know that about me.

I moved back in with my parents for a few months and then got an apartment.  And in 1985, in order to prove that I could do this marriage thing right, I said “I do” to another terrible choice.  This one wasn’t bad or not nice.  He just wasn’t the right guy for me.  And when I felt it all coming unglued after about five years, I talked him into buying a very expensive house so we would have to stay together in order to afford it.

So anyhow.  Marriage – not a fan.  I know many more married people than I do unmarried and I don’t see a lot of relationships that I would find acceptable for me.  Actually none.

I have spent the majority of my adult life in an unmarried state.  I am a survivor of the heterosexual wars.  And I wish it didn’t have to be a war – but it certainly appears to be.

This is who I want.

Someone who is smart, funny, strong enough to not be afraid of me, self-assured and self-sufficient, someone with kids would be nice, someone who does not feel for any reason that he should ever tell me what to do, a man who loves sex, employed or retired with enough money.  Doesn’t have to be a lot, but enough.  And someone who loves my dog.  A man who reads books and can hold up his end of a lively debate.  A man with intellectual curiosity.  A man who can lift heavy stuff would be good.  Someone who doesn’t mind getting his hands dirty.  Maybe a nice Italian guy who grows his own tomatoes and basil…

These are things that attract me – physically.

Baldness, crinkly smiley eyes, height, a man who smells good.

None of these physical characteristics are a deal-breaker for me but its what I notice first.  Just sayin’.

I am a happy person.  I will be happy whether or not I find my dream guy.  I think of this man like frosting on my cupcake.  My cupcake is good but it would be better with chocolate heart attack frosting.  If you need this recipe, let me know.  It is delicious and rich and creamy and very high in cholesterol.  You probably shouldn’t eat it very often, but you can if you want to.  If I don’t want my man telling me what to do, I’m sure not going to give orders to anyone else.   If you really want the honking frosting, then eat it.  I won’t tell you no.

If you are reading this, you probably know me.  Consider this a singles ad.  HAH!


10 thoughts on “On being single

  1. I love it. Having failed the first time also, I can relate. The best part about this journey of yours is that it sounds like you know EXACTLY what you are looking for now. Nothing can be promised and that special someone may just show up when you least expect it.

  2. had a list. followed it – to the letter. it happens. keep your eyes, ears and heart open.

    and that’s a hell of a personal ad. if i wasn’t already married… 🙂

  3. I read your blog. I liked it. Some thoughts and observations:
    1. You ARE lovable – and any man who doesn’t think so doesn’t deserve you. (I’m guessing you know that now, but still, it doesn’t hurt to hear it now and again.)
    2. You have all the qualities that you are looking for in a man (OK, except for the bald part)
    3. Your married friends aren’t going to be happy about this one 🙂
    4. I admire you for sharing such personal thoughts and pieces of your life. Vulnerability is scary. There really is something big going on inside you. Work it through. I think you are going to be pretty damned pleased with yourself in the end! ♥
    PS Yes, I will be needing that Chocolate Heart Attack Frosting recipe.

  4. Thanks guys. You are all very kind. Especially you Maria. If I was going to switch teams, I’d be looking for a gal like you. (-;

    And one further comment. I certainly hope my married friends are not offended by this. I’m not judging, just talking about me. I assume most people are living their lives like they want to, as am I.

    And lastly –

    Heart Attack Frosting
    In a food processor
    9 egg yolks
    1 pound butter
    2 tablespoons vanilla
    4 cups confectioners sugar
    Add 9 ounces melted unsweetened chocolate
    Adjust if you need to – a little more sugar or a little water
    This makes a mother lode of frosting. Sometimes I make a half batch. But it freezes very nicely so if you bake often…

      • I dump them down the sink. I guess you could make meringues if you weren’t me. But I usually don’t do any baking that doesn’t involve chocolate.

  5. MMMMM—– Recipe via Meal-Master ™ v8.06

    Title: Forgotten Cookies
    Yield: 3 Dozen

    2 Egg whites
    1 pn Salt
    1/4 c Sugar
    1 ts Vanilla
    1 c Choc chips

    Preheat oven to 325^. Beat egg whites with the salt until foamy.
    Slowly add sugar, one tablespoonful at a time, beatinf after each
    addition until the meringue stands in stiff peaks. Stir in vanilla
    and fold in chocolate chips. Drop by teaspoonfuls on a lined baking
    sheet an dplace in preheated oven. After 2 minutes, turn off oven.
    Leave meringues in oven overnight. Remove from pan and store in
    cookie tin lined with paper towel.

    Makes 3 dozen.

    Source: The Gazette 12-19-90

    April’s Comments: Eggs separate best when cold from the refrigerator
    and they beat best when at room temperature. Use foil shiny side up
    on cookie sheet. Also, this recipe doesn’t work well when it is very
    humid outside.


  6. Wow. I’d apply but for the following: (1) I’m in a serious relationship that I expect to last until death do us part (which is more than I expected from either of my two marriages but I’m more mortal now); (2) I doubt if I could ever love your dog, or any dog, I have enough trouble loving humans; (3) I had my chance.

  7. My husband would work well for you, except that he’s not bald. And he’s married to me. 🙂 I consider myself exceptionally lucky to have made the right choice at the ripe old age of 19. (Well, we didn’t actually get married till I was 22, but still.)

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